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| In 12 hours, i'll be on my way to spend 28 days in the Ecuadorian Amazon. As excited as I was for the Galapagos, I'm even more excited for this trip. I just wish people would have confidence in me rather than assuming I'm going to hate it.
I may not know where I'm going in life or what I want to do with my life or who I even really am, but I know what I'm passionate about now and what I love to do. And being outdoors and living in a completely new and exciting way is that. I came to Ecuador specifically for this month; not the Galapagos, not the coast, and DEFINITELY not to experience Ecuadorian culture. I may hate the woods at night, but I just know this is going to be the most amazing experience I will very possibly ever have in my life.
Last summer, before I started working at Eden Mill and when I had no idea what I was even interested in anymore, I talked to my mom about the possibility of working at a nature center with kids over the summer. My mom, who is normally the most supportive person I know, was like "you're going to hate it!" All because my sister would dislike it. It really is my biggest pet peeve to be compared to my sister. I love her and I'm not saying anything against her, it's just that I am my own person and I don't want it to be assumed that I am anything like anyone else in my family.
However, I proved her wrong by realizing at the end of the summer that I wouldn't be miserable the rest of my life if I had to keep working at a nature center. I worded it that way because I don't know that I'd be extremely happy only because there's so much more that I want to try, but it wouldn't be as bad as doing research.
So today, talking to an old friend who knew me in middle school, and then late high school, and now, I experienced the same thing. It's really frustrating. Don't assume that I know less about myself than I do. I may not know a lot, but I know enough. It made me really defensive, but I just don't want someone telling me they think they know me better than I do when they really don't.
Anyway, I hope this month is full of adventure and wonderful experiences. These 10 weeks I've been here have already held more adventures and excitement than I could have asked for. I'm looking forward to the next 7 weeks. I just know it can only get better.
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| One of my biggest fears is death. It used to keep me up at night when I was younger because I'd start thinking about what happens when you die and how permanent it is and then I would be too scared to go to sleep. I've realized how much I struggle with coping with loved ones' deaths. Obviously everyone does to some extent, death is never easy. I just realized I don't know how to cope and move past it. I am always stuck in the past and I almost always feel guilty.
Senior year, my favorite uncle, Uncle Dean, passed away from complications from pneumonia after struggling with cancer for 6 or 7 years. I was devastated. Uncle Dean was like my second dad growing up; almost all my best memories from California involve him and Aunt Chris in some way. After moving to Maryland, we all sort of lost touch. But summer before tenth grade I finally got to return to California and spend a few days with him. Looking back now, I am so happy I did that because although he was so different than I remembered appearance wise because of the cancer, he was still the same uncle I left in third grade. When he passed away, it was rough. It was the first time in my teenage life that I had to deal with losing someone who meant so much to me and had been such a big part of my life. I didn't realize how difficult it was going to be that and it would still hurt me today. Over the last year, I've been feeling a lot of guilt about his death. I am really bad at keeping in touch with people and I probably talked to him twice since returning to California. I'm so ashamed of myself and not a day goes by where I don't wish that I had been a better niece. I miss him more than I can put into words.
Then 5 months later, Brian was killed by a drunk driver and my life was ripped apart. We had just graduated from high school a week before and then someone was stupid enough to get in a car after drinking (and previously killing someone else while drinking drunk) and killed someone who made my life, and everyone else's, a little brighter. 3 months later when we left for college, I struggled so much. At least once a week I cried because I was still so upset. 3 years later, I'm still just as upset. I won't ever move past this, and I'll never forgive the person who took him away from us. I only wish I could have let Brian know how much his friendship meant to me over the years and how big of smile he could put on my face. No one should ever have to die, but especially not when they're 18 and have just graduated from high school. I think about you everyday, Brian. I miss you so much.
What's inspired this entry is that my grandpa just passed away early this morning. He had been sick and in and out of the hospital for a while so I expected it eventually, but that doesn't make it any easier. We weren't the closest, but I still enjoyed visiting him and hearing his stories. When my heart was so set on going to Dartmouth for college, it was because of him. I know I wouldn't have been happy there and I'm glad I didn't get accepted, but I still wish every so often that I would have just so I would have made him happy. I also regret how bad of a granddaughter I was. I should've called more, should've written letters more. The only thing that's stopping me from feeling so much guilt is that of all I'm pretty sure I've visited him more in the last 5 years than most of the rest of my extended family. I just wish I wasn't in a different country and could be home with the rest of my family. Rest in peace, Grandpa. I miss you.
So from now on, no one in my life should die until I'm old. I'm not ready for anymore sadness.
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| I am in such a good mood. I am sitting on my bed doing absolutely nothing and feeling happy. I haven't felt this way in a long time; I'm so happy it's back!
Everything is finally starting to fall into place. I am so unbelievably excited for next semester. I'm starting to get a little nervous about living in a completely foreign country, but I just remind myself about the amazing experiences I'm going to have and those nerves completely disappear. I almost can't believe it. It's kind of a feeling like I won't really believe I'm spending 4 months in Ecuador until I'm actually standing in the airport in Quito.
On top of that, I may get to finally live out my dream of living in Alaska this summer. When I got an email earlier this week, I was practically dancing around my lab. It was only an email about an interview, but I have been so giddy since.
A few nights ago, I was trying to fall asleep and it really just hit me that I have no plan for the next 5 years. In the past, that would've freaked me out. But as soon as I thought that, I realized that I'm happy for once. I was completely at peace with it. Just a few weeks ago, the thought of graduation in 1.5 years terrified me. But there are so many things I can't wait to do once I graduate, I just want it to happen soon! I do know that no matter where I go in life, I won't be satisfied until I live in Alaska.
Which brings me back to this summer. If I get to spend my summer in Alaska, I may never come home. I can't express how unbelievably excited I am for these opportunities.
I don't know where all this giddiness has come from. I am completely happy for the first time in months. I just can't stop smiling. And I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I've kind of been changing that lately. I just love really love this feeling.
This is bad too. I need to be studying right now and I really cannot focus. But because I feel happy, it's okay.
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| 8 years ago....
... I stopped breathing.
... I became a stronger person.
... My life changed.
Today is my 8th anniversary of the day my life changed. Election day, November 4th, 2002. I remember watching the Food Network in my room and struggling to breathe. I remember my sister trying to tempt me with what just might be the best chocolate cake I have ever seen (and that's saying something) and sadly turning it down. I remember going to see my doctor a few hours later and not realizing how scared I was. I remember laying in the hospital bed with this weird oxygen contraption that had something orange flavored in it that made it slightly easier to breathe and thinking that I'd be going home in the morning. I don't remember falling asleep, I don't remember the moment I stopped breathing, I don't remember the helicopter ride, and I don't remember the next 2 days.
I remember waking up in a hospital room and the first question I asked was 'what day is it?' Turns out, it was November 6th and I was just being taken out of my medically-induced, lowered state of consciousness (I wasn't in a coma but I don't really know what it was). I remember being told later that those 48 hours may come back in flashbacks over time, or that they may never come back to me at all. Every so often, I'll remember the orange blanket from the helicopter ride, the cards and pictures from Kara and my sister hanging on the wall of the PICU, and the candy that I really wanted, but wasn't allowed to have. But I still don't know if those are made up memories that I think I remember because my family told me about them, or if they're actual memories. I wish I could remember having to be restrained for those days, but I guess it's probably best that I can't.
I like to think I wasn't that sick. Compared to half the other people on the 9th floor of JHCC, I was one lucky 12 year old. But I know that there were moments that I wasn't considered lucky. I know there were moments that were heartbreaking for my family. I know there were moments that my family wasn't sure I would be here today to think about. I know I'm lucky I can't remember those moments.
I spent the next 10 days in a haze. I remember my best friends calling and visiting, my family coming after school. I remember all the stuffed animals that I was sent (and still have!). I remember all the cards from everyone. I remember turning down delicious pizza. I remember my sister being my cheerleader when I had to drink the worst concoction in the world (feeding tube liquid + chocolate syrup = worse than anything you can imagine). I remember my sister being my advocate when the doctor's didn't believe I wasn't doing this to myself on purpose. I remember my mom telling me that they were testing for leukemia. I remember my hand swelling up because one of my IVs was broken and crying because I didn't want another. But that's about all I remember of those 10 days. I don't really know how I filled up the time laying in bed for 240 hours.
Once I had colonoscopy #1 and was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, it wasn't so bad. I remember my aunt and cousins driving up from North Carolina to visit. I remember being told I couldn't have anything by mouth for a few days. I remember thinking that was totally unfair and crying when the poor dining worker accidentally brought food into my room. I remember the awesome sign my sister made for my door. I remember the walks my mom, dad and I would take around the hall (we walked so many laps that we started to calculate how many miles we were walking). I remember getting to slowly introduce food back into my life and it being heaven on Earth. I remember being told I was getting a day pass to go home for Thanksgiving and eat all the mashed potatoes I want. I remember them surprising me the day before Thanksgiving and letting me go home for real. I remember the amazing banner my family made for me that welcomed me home. I remember having something to actually be thankful for on Thanksgiving.
I remember the look on my dad's face when he had to drive me back to the emergency room on December 10th. I remember almost blacking out when the IV tech screwed up my IV. I remember the Christmas party and teaching myself algebra and being left alone during the day for the first time. I remember December 23rd and being told I was going home for good. I remember getting a white Christmas that year. I remember thinking that this is what the holiday's were about.
I remember the next 4 months. Oh, do I remember those months so well. And I wish I could forget. I wish I could forget the things said about me to my face and behind my back. I wish I could forget how it felt to look in a mirror. I wish I didn't still have pictures of those 4 months.
December 23rd will mark the 8th anniversary of the day I was considered officially healthy. Even though that's a better day to celebrate, November 4th always seems more monumental to me. I don't usually think about November and December 2002. This year though, it's different for me. Something's different about this year and it's really sticking out in my mind.
For the last 7.5 years, it's been about me controlling my body and disease. I beat the statistics. I was healthy. I responded to medicine right away. I had no flare ups. Unfortunately, the last 6 months or so have slightly changed. I'm still very healthy and my UC is totally under control, it just likes to send me lots of reminders that it's just lying dormant in my intestines, waiting to flare up when I least expect it to.
I've started to let my body control me. I've let it make me miss out on opportunities. I almost let it convince me not to go to Ecuador. But I'm going to change that.
UC, you changed my life in 2002. You took away my freedom and replaced it with this constant worry and nagging. You've left me wondering what's going to happen tomorrow, and next week, and next year, and the rest of my life. You've taken my confidence and crushed it.
But, you also made me stronger. I know the experiences I have gone through and frankly, I don't know how they will be any worse in the future. My worries may be high and my confidence low, but my strength is greater than either of those. So thank you for teaching me about life at an early age. For that, I am truly thankful.
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| Junior year.
How did it get here so fast?
What am I doing with my life?
Where am I going?
Am I going to look back and regret these years?
I've been told that college is a time to step out of your comfort zone. I've done anything but.
I need to change.
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